"Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." -- 1 Corinthians 8:1
This week I'm going to try something new. I'm going to see if I can make it through a whole week without telling anybody that they are wrong.
This will be an extraordinary challenge for me. I am a naturally analytical thinker. When I am presented with an idea or a situation or a request, my first instinct is to start testing it to see how sound it is. Are there holes in this theory? What obstacles might stand in our way? Are any of the details inaccurate or contradictory? My mind immediately tries to find what might be wrong, so that it can be fixed, and we can all move forward together in the best possible way.
At least, I think that's why I do it. It is probably mostly why I do it, but if I examine my own mind in those moments, I realize there is another force at work within me. I NEED TO BE RIGHT. I need to be more right than you. I need to be the most rightest person in the room. I need you, my dear friend or colleague, to understand that I have the power in this conversation because of how very right I am. I'm so right that I immediately noticed several problems with what you were just saying to me. No big, though--I'll just casually drop my corrections into our conversation in this light, casual tone, and walk away knowing that we both know that I win because I'm right.
I know that I do this. I hate that I do this. I especially hate it when it is being done to me. I'm proud of what my mind is capable of, but I'm not proud of how often my insecurity overrides my intellect to use as a weapon in imaginary power struggles with the people closest to me. So this week, the cycle of one-upsmanship stops with me. I'm cutting myself off. Except in cases of extreme need or professional obligation, I will tell nobody that they are wrong. I will not edit them or correct them. I will not smirk behind anyone's back about innocent errors or missteps. I will try to be a person that people feel safe approaching and feel safe walking away from. I'll let you know how it goes.
this is an important undertaking - I feel you, sister.
ReplyDeleteI have been, and often still am, like this. it is an ongoing journey of accepting people for who they are and marveling in their journey to their truth, rather than trying to steer them to a "truth" that I have come to.
why this further resonates with me, is a recent conversation with a close friend about almost exactly this - frustration at people's seemingly flippant or shallow comments about something, when one has spent time analyzing and learning about that thing, causing the comment to grate on one's nerves for lack of thoughtfulness or nuanced understanding. I hope that makes sense, haha.
something that helps me think of "being right" differently is understanding that for some things, everyone thinks that they are ultimately right.
take belief in the existence of god, for instance (of course I'd go there =)). I might believe I'm right when I say there is no god. and you might believe you're right when you say there is. there is really no way for either of us to prove that the other is wrong, as much as we may believe it. but... I try not to think of it as you being wrong; I think of it as you having your truth and journey, and me having mine, and what's fantastic is that you and I are able to find overlap in each other that brings us love, happiness, safety, friendship, and joy.
I hope my thoughts here are relevant - I understand that I may have made it more "meta" than you may have intended, but... these are thoughts your lovely post evoked in me. thank you =)