Lament

(I shared this in church today as part of a service meditating on the "Seven Last Words of Jesus." I was allowed to pick any of the seven last words I wanted, and I chose Matthew 27:46. Some people asked me to post the text, so here it is.)

Please indicate if you have experienced the following emotions or behaviors in the last several days.

I feel afraid for no reason at all.

I get upset easily or feel panicky.

I feel like I’m falling apart or going to pieces.

I feel like something bad is going to happen.

I am afraid of dying.

Although I have never experienced physical pain like Jesus did on the cross, when he says "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" I can begin to imagine how he might have been feeling because I live with anxiety. Anxiety is like having a radio playing in my head, and it’s trying to turn itself up all the time. It never is completely silent, but if the radio volume is at a 1, I call that a good day.

I wonder if this elevator I’m in will snap its cables. I wonder if my mom’s name coming up on my phone means that some member of my family has died. I wonder if there’s a centipede hiding in my bath towel. I wonder if that little twinge of pain means I have cancer. I wonder my friends think it’s gross to have to hang out with somebody so fat. I wonder.

When the radio is up at about 4 or 5, which is more often than not, I increase the noise of my life to drown it out. I use TV and internet, rehearsals and social gatherings, alcohol and junk food--whatever’s within reach to help keep out the rising sounds of panic inside. Chances are that if you see me more than once a month, if I’ve sung in front of you or talked to you, that I’ve only been half paying attention to what I’ve been doing because I’m spending so much of my energy trying not to listen to something you can’t even hear.

What if someone with a gun comes into this gas station? What if I get fired and I have no financial safety net? What if I’m being watched through my webcam? What if God is not real? What if I'm single forever and I get Alzheimer's and I have nobody to take care of me? What if?

Then there are the rare--but not rare enough--days and nights when the radio is all the way on, full blast. Yes, this thing can and will go to 11, and when it does, it is hell on earth. Forget the “radio”: my whole brain is screaming. I can’t think. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. Just screaming. Almost nobody has seen me like this, when I’m curled up in a ball with my hands over my ears, trying and failing to keep the bad thoughts out because mental illness impairs the ability to seek help or comfort. It doesn’t last forever, and after a few hours the radio will dial itself down, and I’ll be able to rejoin society and pretend that I’m not constantly fighting a battle against an inner terror I don’t understand or control. But for now, it’s just me and the fear and the panic and the screaming inside.

Something. Something bad is going to happen. Something bad is going to happen to me and it’s already set in motion and there’s not a thing I can do to stop it and everyone I love will die and leave me forever and nobody cares about me and it’s probably my fault anyway because I make such bad choices and anyway it’s only a matter of time before I’m in a car accident or a tornado or a terrorist attack and then I will find out that I was wrong about Jesus and grace and everything will be awful forever and ever and ever and ever

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?